hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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