my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize