Who did Billy Mays play for?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
