he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
