My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize