Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
