I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
