before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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