I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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