i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize