I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
