i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
