dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
