I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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