He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
