I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
