So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
