Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
