I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
