he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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