when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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