I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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