She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
