Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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