Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
being pregnant is like rehab
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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