Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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