Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
