You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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