Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
