you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
