btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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