someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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