i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
3 2 1 whiskey
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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