I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
