Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize