I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
