Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
