my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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