You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize