he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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