I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize