If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
