Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize