you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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