I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
