You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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