A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
