I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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