oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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