I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
