I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
