U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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