my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
