Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
