This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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