I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
