Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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