I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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